Getting really real.

This post is its title, getting really real. It is some things I am working thru at the moment. If you aren't a fan of blood or sadness you may want to skip this one.

Recently Jon and I decided with some prodding by God that it was time to try for another baby. We had some things to work thru. Fears when we thought of my last pregnancy and the time afterwards. Finances, living situation, etc. really what would having another child mean. Our lives changing again, Scarlett being a sister, us having kid(s), plural.
We discussed, and we prayed. We went thru our fears and asked God to replace them with His truth. What does He want our family to look like? It was obvious to us both that it was time to add. He brought us both great resolve. And all of a sudden everyone we saw was asking when another little Gish would be in the works. And so we came thru on the other end of a journey from something that was horribly scary, to being filled with hope and excitement. And so we started trying. ( insert sex jokes here)


And I got pregnant. Right away. The first go, Fertile Myrtyle people called me. I started getting really tired. When I farted in public and had no awareness that it was even coming was the real moment of truth. I found out on a Monday. The whole week I was exhausted. Sleeping while S slept, sometimes beyond her sleeping and yells of " mommy, hello, mommy... Hellloooo?" Other than that I was ok, just snacking to prevent nauceousness from ruling my day.

Saturday morning I woke up, Jon and I were going on a morning date , breakfast and Avengers. Scarlett came in our bed and snuggled a bit before the sitter came, and I started suddenly cramping. Normal for early pregnancy. I went into the bathroom to use the toilet and when I sat blood just poured out. This wasn't normal, this couldn't be happening, my baby was going into the toilet. I screamed for Jon to take Scarlett and leave me to weep. He stayed and tried to comfort me as I just sat and bled. He reminded me of how this happened with S and not to worry and I would be ok, lets pray together... Everything he could do. I immediately called the midwife and she said it could be normal, and gave me signs to look for thru out the day. So I wiped my eyes, put some clothes on and we headed off. all the while speaking over this baby. Declaring life and blessing and all that we know to be true. By the time breakfast was done I felt pretty awful. I could feel the feelings of pregnancy melting away in this very un natural way. If you have ever been pregnant, imagine all your senses and bodily changes just reverting back to normal over a short period of time. The strangest sensation I have ever experienced. Heart wrenching and unnatural. I told Jon we had to go home.

By the time we got back the bleeding had gotten worse and I knew it was over. What was coming out left me no hope. As I sat on the toilet and cried I felt a sudden, overwhelming heart for babies who are being aborted. I wanted to find the nearest girl who was getting an abortion and say " Stop! Let's trade" I would have done anything in that moment to save the little poppy seed size life inside, and I couldn't. And yet people do it every day without these emotions. There are parts of me that after going thru the sickness and fear and overwhelming feelings of my first pregnancy that all of a sudden understood how someone could disassociate themselves and get an abortion. The sickness, the fear, your dreams are so loud sometimes. I would never do it, but there was a sense of compassion that I now had for girls everywhere who were afraid and made that choice. Also a sadness because now I look at my daughter and know that it is all worth it. I had a friend tell me her story of finding out she was pregnant. She was freaking out to take the test , didn't know what she would do or how she could do it and she said " once it gave me a positive, anything was possible. I could do anything, make it all work out"


Later that afternoon it was all confirmed, I was in fact miscarrying. I got off the phone with the midwife in tears and sat on my bed with my husband and cried. So did he. It was a bizarre, surreal feeling. To thing that my body was a beacon of life and now was this place of death for the moment. The 'glow' was gone. Feelings of sadness mixed with early labor type contractions ensued for the next few days as I watched my pregnant body morph back into its regular form and rid itself of whatever else remained. I kept myself busy, probably not resting as much as I should. Sitting with friends, talking it thru, letting myself be sad and angry. All my life I have been a great stuffer of emotion having to do with any sort of pain. I would clean, organize, cook, shop, read, music, go online, constantly go out to distract myself, drink . This time I said " No way." I was going to let myself feel pain and run to nothing but Jesus, even though my heart felt confused about Him at the moment. If I did shove this it would come out later. Shoving it into some corner would not make it go away, it would just cause long, drawn out emotional pain that would not just effect me but effect everyone around me somehow until it was all worked thru.

So it has been one week since the miscarraige began,
Today is Mothers day. I let myself enjoy Scarlett, but be sad as well.

With God- I am working thru this with Him, asking Him some tough questions I may not have dared to ask before. Trusting that He is good, faithful, the giver of life itself, and loves me enough to cry with me and work this thing out until the end. He didn't ' take my baby' or need to see how I acted under pressure. This breaks His heart as well.

I know that I will get pregnant again, that I will hold another new born in my arms and all will be well. I am just gonna let myself feel and heal. Also my heart has been filled with compassion for so many women around me. For friends that have miscarried multiple times, for still births, for so many things that only a womans heart will know.


Life is precious, and I feel it like I had never known that before.

-LG