Over the past few years I have been discovering that the things that I have felt during difficult moments of my life aren't always true. That is easy to say right?
But when a memory comes flooding back to you and you feel emotions and feelings all over again just as fresh as the moment you were there, it all seems more real than the first time you experienced it.
So I have been on a journey of rewriting my history. Stepping outside of what I felt happened, looking at situations and asking God " what happened here? Where were you? What did I choose to believe instead of you, instead of love?"
I think of past experiences with guys. There are ways you see someone at 16,17,18 that come out of a different kind of search than I would be on now. I searched out of a 'broken, desperate, not liking myself to much at the time' kind of place. These people and situations wrote their stories in my heart.
Entering 'the work force' in an unsure, freaking out, pursuing my dreams( what I thought were my dreams) performing my heart out, running from real life kind of way. Then I would have said I am a responsible, hard working person who is in pursuit of a dream.
And all the people that came along with that time were seen thru those thoughts, those lenses.
Motherhood take 1 scared out of my mind, but told myself I wasn't. My identity had melted into what I could do and I couldn't believe that now I had to let this happen to myself. I was excited ( because this exact thing was one of my first true dreams I had as a little girl, to be a mom) but I was so far removed from that I resented it. A major tug of war that rolled into a year long battle with post-partum afterwards.
Each of these stick out the strongest right now. I have asked to Lord to how me which memories are really true. Where did fear, depression, self loathing, rejection come in and start lying, and where was he in the situation and what does He say about it.
I am not one for living in the past but I am ok with seeing thru " Jesus lenses" instead of what tried to weasel its way in and tell me I was a failure.
He wants me whole and complete and if I don't stop and take the time to see correctly what about future relationships? Future jobs? Future kids? Who will reap the harvest of the unhealthiness of my heart? OR who will reap the healthiness of my heart? How will generations after me be influenced by me choosing to take care of my heart?
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