I need to sing. It's where I feel most alive.

The end

Love is a many splendored thing.

Recently I've been having a lot of internal dialogue on deception. Really it's been truth shedding some light on some pretty ugly things that I have believed such as

" fear comes in the name of being responsible."

" Self-hatred comes in the name of fitness. "

There are ways lies appear to other people, their battles

Food comes into the name of comfort
Sex in the name of satisfaction
Looking together a sense of control
Self pity as a comforter
Work as identity

Are a few that I've heard.

Love. What comes in the name of love? I am on the quest for true love. True good qualities. None of this 'I love you and leave you, I love you but I yell at you sometimes, I love you. I am always kind of mad at you so I'm going to use it to control you.'

Every movie, song, life is ruled by love. Most of our conversations revolve around what we love. Our decisions major and minor, I believe, are motivated by what we love. The things that distress us the most, the things that make our heart feel betrayed ,are where love has gone wrong.


If we can't recognize good solid love and fill ourselves with that then what we fill ourselves with and what is going to come out is never going to be good. Nothing will ever truly satisfy the deepest desires of our hearts.
One thing that I have noticed about my life is when I don't know how to love right in an area I feel afraid. I get afraid of people their thoughts towards me, my thoughts towards them. I feel like I'm grasping at sand and the tighter I try to get control the tighter I hold on it runs away through my fingers.

So my question for God has been - What is real true love? Can you show me what I am believing about it that is wrong? Can you show me what I am believing about your heart that is untrue- since you said I AM love, I need to know, because I think I have some parts wrong.

There is a difference between reading it and experiencing something you thought was it and really KNOWING it from the inside out.


Today when taking some time to be quiet here is what I felt God say to me about how he loves me.

- first I went back to 1 Corinthians 13 and read what it says about the characteristics of love. If I believe that the bible is true then this is a good place to start.

Then I went over different characteristics of love with God.


Patient- I am patient with you. I know what you are dealing with and I've got your hand all the way thru it but I am also standing at the end cheering you on and saying " I am here, I see how it ends, keep going! " I know exactly how long it will take to work thru and I'm not upset about it.

Kind- I am happy with you, looking for ways to be kind to love on you and be kind to you. Your wants are k own to me as much as your needs and I want to be sweet to you.

not proud or self seeking - I know who I am but I am not proud. I seek your good, our good together at all
times.

Right and Truth prevail - I love justice. I love to prevail. I love to come thru, it's my favorite

It endures everything without weakening- there a no weak spots in my love no matter WHAT, it doesn't waver.
High points, low points, doesn't matter.

never fades - as strong as the moment I saved you, every minute.

True affection- I want to show you true affection. What does true love really look like- Holy, joy filled lov.

Holy doesn't mean unhappy or solemn.




The phrase that stuck out the most to me was " as strong as the moment I saved you, every minute" I have such a hard comprehending that type of perfection because I only can only truly see my heart. It makes me think of my wedding day when I said " I do" I meant it, and I felt a great sense of love empowering my words, but do I feel that feeling every moment? I know my love for Jon has grown and deepened over time, but do I feel like a steady faithful triumphant strong loving wife every moment? No.


I remember reading where Peter said to Jesus " Lord where else could we go? Only you have the words of life"

And so this is what I know, my head doesn't always understand it, but my heart says " I know there's is no where else I can go except to continue to pursue the heart of God and let Him teach me on love"


-L

Reflection(s)

This month marked a year for us in a new city. The decision was not the easiest to make but we both knew it had to bed one. We heard Gods voice separately, together, publicly, privately, and said " who are we not to say yes?" I thought a bit about what I would do but really I thought about Scarlett and how this decision would change everything for her. One of the ways that God spoke to me about moving was thru the life of Abraham. He said to Him in Genesis " go for yourself ( for your own advantage ) Away from your country, from your relatives, from your fathers house to a land that I will show you " - v. 1 AMP Then he follows up with all these wonderful immeasurable blessings and goodness. But I wonder why he had to leave all he knew. After a year here I think I am starting to get the picture, I am starting to see why when the Lord wants to change you you have to get away from all that is comfortable, all that you always known, from the ways everything has always been done. To be with Him. To know that even when you were surrounded by all you knew really he was all you evr had. It made me get quiet and really think if what defines me. What was my identity. It couldn't be in my friends or family or reputation or the 'who I knew' or the ' where I work' And this is exactly what I needed. This is why that one little phrase that God spoke to Abraham " go for yourself,( for your own advantage) " has been on my mind for so long. I needed to know who I was really and who He was really. I had lots of ideas about who He was, and about who I was but it wasn't really working to well for me. I was a newly married, new mom, not working and drowning in diapers and laundry and sadness. I was grieving something but I wasn't sure what that was. I thought it was that I missed working, that my identity was lost, that " this is it? Really?" feeling. That wasn't it at all. I didn't trust God with my heart. I thought I knew who He was but somewhere I forgot that He is good, trustworthy, my fufillment, the one who meets my needs, the one who cared if the world is revolving around the sun and my heart in the same moment, that he loves me. Truly, this deep, specific, because He wants to love. I didn't notice how much I was doing it all on my own. Trying to love my husband and my baby And other people out of what felt like emptiness. What I have learned: that I can't really love well by myself. In Ephesians Paul prays for the church saying we need the eyes of our heart enlightened to the spirit of wisdom and revelation to understand the fullness of Gods love. And so I started asking " more Lord- more wisdom, more revelation" and I got it. I finally understood that I really couldn't just love, that I needed wisdom and revelation to understand how deep, how wide how high, how MUCH his love covers us When you say " I love you" to someone and they say it back, especially early in a relationship there is a Warm and floaty feeling that envelops you. You knw it's true and everything feels bright and hopeful and lovely. You feel better about yourself, skinnier, prettier, clothes look better, you love people more than you had been,. All because all of a sudden you realized something about love. This is His heart. He loves me, Hes always in a good mood, and He wants to tell me I'm pretty. He s someone I can trust. And none of this was anything I could talk myself into or work for or figure out. I just had to ask for wisdom amid revelation and wait for an answer, wa for my eyes to see and my ears to hear. This was just a small part of that "for your own advantage" stuff. -L (p

Quinoa mania.

So, quinoa freaked me out. I couldn't bring myself to eat a grain that I thought was pronounced "Queen OH wahh" for so long. Like some japanese chopping motion.

Also people raved about the fiber content and things and I immediately was like " more gas? Not something I need in my life! "


But I took a step, and now I love it. It helps me feel full, without feeling bloated/ weighed down.

Today I added it to my salad.

Spinach, quinoa, chicken, apple, almond, cranberry salad with Newman's olive oil and vinegar

Result- amazing. I feel full and there was lots of color which always makes me feel healthier. ( unless it involves sprinkles or a push pop. )

-L

Can someone explain...

The mormon mommy blog revolution.

A bunch of wonderful blogs

Thedaybook.com
Dooce.com

Etc.

Mormon.

There's a ton out there. Is there something that ties these all together besides being apart of the LDS church?


Just asking
-L

Sweet potato... Noodles?

I have been buying things because they sound good at the time, entering the item in Pinterest and picking which recipe suits my mood.

This is just how I like to cook. Does it always work out? No. It didn't matter when it was just me, but now with a hubs and a toddler involved I have to not just always go on my whims.

I was at Whole foods and some some monstrous sweet potatoes calling my name and I said " helloooo" and grabbed them.

Today I remembered I had them and so the Pinterest searching began.

I came across 'sweet potato noodles' from ProgressivePioneer.com

I needed - 1 sweet potato, butter, sage, salt, pepper.

It called for fresh sage ( lets be honest- I don't really have it lying around) so I had McCormick, so that's what happened.

I browned a Tbsp of butter and a tsp of sage, then added tendrils of sweet potato that I just made with a potato peeler. They cooked down quite a bit.

After they had a ' al dente ' feel to them I removed it from the heat an added more sage, salt and pepper to taste. This all took a total of 10 minutes. It was delicious, wheat free, made me full, full of vitamins, and most importantly toddler approved.

I liked that it wasn't mushy which can happen with sweet potato fries.

I would like to use a mandolin sliced and knife next time to see if I can get a more linguine style noodle. The vegetable peeler gave me a more egg noodle consistency.

If you would like to try them I would suggest heading over to ProgressivePioneer.com and checking out the way she suggests cutting them.

I think this ones a keeper.

Sick.

A sick day? No. Those don't happen for a mom. But having my daughter be sweet and just lay with me and eat Chex mix and watch movies and cartoons all day was wonderful. It was not work today, it was just cute. Like she knew and was like " Don't worry Mommy, I got you. "

It's been amazing to me to watch her transform from a lump that did nothing into a little human personality. With a sense of humor and silliness that has impeccable timing and a willingness to notice and be kind and give a smile to people I didn't even see we're there.

About a week ago we were walking down our hallway to the car. She finds every everything, wether a new crack , a cigarette butt, a leaf, every 'O' in Welcome on doormats, and I keep having to prod her, lead her to the car. She is so easily distracted with an intense eye for detail.

I heard God whisper to my heart- " this is just like you. Noticing everything, telling me what's ' ockey' looking at everything around you instead of the path you're on, and I'm there gently leading you and loving on you the whole way. Continuously re routing you out of joy. It's fun to watch you learn and discover along the way "

Amazing how it happens everywhere.it meaning revelation and insight and words of love when I am most frustrated.


-L

first post.

I dicided to blog. For an outlet, becuase I feel like I have things to say, and because its come up repeatedly in convorsation.

" You should have a blog, I would read it"

has been said multiple times in the last few months. Since I believe that God speaks thru the people around us I said " OK OK, I'll do it "

So here it is.


I all of a sudden felt a ton of blog pressure.
Who would like me? Who would read it? My life? My opinions? The way I look at the world?

and then a bigger question- DO I even want to bear all of that? Can I chronicle myself in an honest way without making slight changes to look like I am the best version of myself?- 

So my thoughts on God, Being a wife and mom, hair, people, life will be here to who ever wants to see.


-L