Thinking about honor.

Honor was never really something I thought about. Especially when it comes to the political system. Being from Chicago, the land of corrupt politicians it had really hardened me from looking at the political system as something God wants apart in. I had so many things in my heart that would seep out of my mouth. I was very much a person about justice. A " finally they are reaping what they have sown" or " finally they got Found out and are in prison "

About a year and half ago God really started to talk to me about honor. There are positions of authority that come with power. And wether the person that is in the position understands their authority or not I still have to honor them. 

Scarlett has recently been obsessed with lions. We have been reading " Daniel and the lions den" 

It got me thinking. I used to read this thru justice. Like " yes, Daniel got justice for himself!" when really Daniel showed honor to a king who never deserved it, who had actually violently besiged Daniels homeland changed his name and took him as personal slave. Daniel showed love, honor and compassion continuously to Nebuchadnezzar. When he was in the lions den and Nebuchadnezzar came to see if he was alive the first thing out of Daniels mouth was " oh King, Live forever!"  Could I say this to someone who had slaughtered my nation, and then intentionally and unintentionally attempted murder upon me and three of my friends?

Oh king, live forever. No, I don't think that could have been my response. I think I would have been like, " I'm alive you moron, only because of my God. Will you please let me leave and leave me alone"

But no. Daniel showed honor, loved and served. He did not agree with the King, but he honored him. This is how God had access to change the heart of the king. To show Himself  mighty and strong.

What about David- as he was running from a wild bitter murderous King, he showed honor. He had plenty of opportunities to kill Saul and step into his rightful place as king. Even God had given him opportunity to kill Saul and everyone with him said " look at the opportunity you have to kill him and take your place as king, God has done this"  David only cut off a piece of his robe. ( 1 Samuel 24:4-6)
The amazing thing is that just cutting off a piece of his robe just killed David. It says " his heart smote him"

These men were written about and have been recorded for all to know about, and to show us pictures of Gods heart. David is said to be a man after God's heart. Jesus will sit on" the throne of David"

I think that God values this. His heart would rather see a man changed thru love than condemned continuously. Love and honor changes the heart of someone. It loves them into their purpose, it shows them who they really are. If we did lots of honoring, lots of loving out of the love and wisdom if God ( not from " because its moral or good"). This is not kissing butt to get ahead, it's honest and true, ONLY able to happen because of the Holy Spirit. I've been wondering for myself if I just shut my mouth, asked how to act. Listened to what people needed and honored them, spoke words of life and wisdom from heaven, where would God allow me to go? Would he put me in tough places? Would he place me in situation I never would imagine?


Honor is important. It's a choice.
It changes kings, it changes nations
It has to start everyday

A blurt.

" in times of great personal struggle we often increase our spiritual activity to silence the pain. Doing so often increases our striving, which delays breakthrough.
" Be still and know that I am God" Ps. 46:10 Slow down and lean into Him"

-Bill Johnson


This is what I do all the time, in the name of " believing God and walking in faith" of course. When really I try to shove spirituality into a gushing wound when really I need to get quiet and let the Healer do His thing and bring me true healing and wholeness.

Maybe this is why I continue around the same mountains in my heart? Because I can't just be quiet. Maybe there would be more answers and more honesty in my life if I would just feel pain and let Him take care of it.


That's all.

Social media and the Big Story.

So, is it wrong to pick apart social media on a blog? Also, since I deactivated my Facebook who will know when to read a new post? No tweet about what's going on? Oh no how will my blog survive? These are the thoughts that I am laughing at myself or having.

I have had some form of a blog for about 10 years. I was under the 500,000 mark for joining LiveJournal.

I had a Facebook as soon as I could, got a twitter soon after Ashton and Demi.

After all the hours I have spent reading people's statuses and looking at photos I have started asking myself some questions.

- How much of this is really beneficial?

- why do people post so many complaints and whines and moans about people or their lives?

- has this brought us forward, made us better, changed society, changed me?


I enjoy saying updated with family and friends and past co-workers and students. It's great to see what their up to and great to see photos of their baby bellies and kids and their work.

Then I think, what happened to letting the past be the past. Something you just want to let lie, leave alone, and then one day something will be in your face, on your screen that you never wanted to know, or maybe a person you were ok with never seeing again. But there it is - complaining about their husband, or wearing pasties in nearly nude photos, or spewing bitterness about others maybe even you in a manipulative indirect but direct way.

What happens in Facebook/ twitter doesn't stay there. It is this new realm that everyone also lives in.

And everyone sees. I can't tell you a week that has gone by where I see something, read something, see a relational interaction that makes my heart hurt. It makes me say " too much. This is unhealthy." or " back off, why are you picking a fight" or " I never wanted to see/know that about you"

I just ache for something authentic, and this 'extra realm' everyone is living in isn't it.

For me personally I felt like I always needed to check or I was missing out on something important that was happening.

And what I was really missing was usually lame stuff. And what else could I be accomplishing? What did people do before Facebook,Twitter,Instagram
,Pinterest.

Did they accomplish things? Did they appreciate mental silence ? Did they sew? Cook? Have real convorsations? Read good literature? Paint? Expand their creativity ?


WE ARE SATISFIED BY SO LITTLE.

I was listening to a message from Donald Miller and he quoted someone to the effect of " as the morality of a society declines the quality of creativity and the ability to tell a great story are lost"

This grabbed my attention. There is so much crap everywhere. Why- because we buy it. We watch it, we vote for it. We say- well I guess this is where the world is and I must allow this to satisfy.

Are you satisfied?

I'm not.

There's more in me brewing about all of this. I have research I want to do an things I want to check on. A question I have is what will this age be called? When we look back, will we say of this generation, " and now you can see where the decline of creativity and intelligence really began"

Curried Quinoa Salad

Curry always freaked me out. Maybe it was all the shows I saw that talked about Indian food and bathroom issues. And I thought it smelled funky AND I was afraid to cook with it. One day I put my big girl pants on and just did it.

I originally tried this recipe with israeli Cous Cous and used a Food Network recipe.

Then I wanted to make it again, gluten free and with some ingredients that I had.

Curried Quinoa Salad

1 cup of dry quinoa
2 cups water
1 tbsp of curry powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp pepper
3 tbsp of olive oil
1/3 cup of orange juice
1/2 lemon, juiced
1/4-1/2 cup of walnuts, toasted ( if you want)
3/4 cup of dried cranberries
1/8 cup of chopped scallions.
1/8 cup of chopped parsley

Cook quinoa according to directions.
Mix with 1 tbsp of the olive oil and put in fridge to cool.

Mix juices, oils, and herbs into a dressing and toss into cooled quinoa.

Add walnuts, cranberries, parsley and scallions and toss.

Eat it. I do it as a meal or a side. It's also good over spinach with a bit of goat cheese for an actual salad.

If you don't like quinoa, try it with israeli Cous Cous ( the big kind)

Getting really real.

This post is its title, getting really real. It is some things I am working thru at the moment. If you aren't a fan of blood or sadness you may want to skip this one.

Recently Jon and I decided with some prodding by God that it was time to try for another baby. We had some things to work thru. Fears when we thought of my last pregnancy and the time afterwards. Finances, living situation, etc. really what would having another child mean. Our lives changing again, Scarlett being a sister, us having kid(s), plural.
We discussed, and we prayed. We went thru our fears and asked God to replace them with His truth. What does He want our family to look like? It was obvious to us both that it was time to add. He brought us both great resolve. And all of a sudden everyone we saw was asking when another little Gish would be in the works. And so we came thru on the other end of a journey from something that was horribly scary, to being filled with hope and excitement. And so we started trying. ( insert sex jokes here)


And I got pregnant. Right away. The first go, Fertile Myrtyle people called me. I started getting really tired. When I farted in public and had no awareness that it was even coming was the real moment of truth. I found out on a Monday. The whole week I was exhausted. Sleeping while S slept, sometimes beyond her sleeping and yells of " mommy, hello, mommy... Hellloooo?" Other than that I was ok, just snacking to prevent nauceousness from ruling my day.

Saturday morning I woke up, Jon and I were going on a morning date , breakfast and Avengers. Scarlett came in our bed and snuggled a bit before the sitter came, and I started suddenly cramping. Normal for early pregnancy. I went into the bathroom to use the toilet and when I sat blood just poured out. This wasn't normal, this couldn't be happening, my baby was going into the toilet. I screamed for Jon to take Scarlett and leave me to weep. He stayed and tried to comfort me as I just sat and bled. He reminded me of how this happened with S and not to worry and I would be ok, lets pray together... Everything he could do. I immediately called the midwife and she said it could be normal, and gave me signs to look for thru out the day. So I wiped my eyes, put some clothes on and we headed off. all the while speaking over this baby. Declaring life and blessing and all that we know to be true. By the time breakfast was done I felt pretty awful. I could feel the feelings of pregnancy melting away in this very un natural way. If you have ever been pregnant, imagine all your senses and bodily changes just reverting back to normal over a short period of time. The strangest sensation I have ever experienced. Heart wrenching and unnatural. I told Jon we had to go home.

By the time we got back the bleeding had gotten worse and I knew it was over. What was coming out left me no hope. As I sat on the toilet and cried I felt a sudden, overwhelming heart for babies who are being aborted. I wanted to find the nearest girl who was getting an abortion and say " Stop! Let's trade" I would have done anything in that moment to save the little poppy seed size life inside, and I couldn't. And yet people do it every day without these emotions. There are parts of me that after going thru the sickness and fear and overwhelming feelings of my first pregnancy that all of a sudden understood how someone could disassociate themselves and get an abortion. The sickness, the fear, your dreams are so loud sometimes. I would never do it, but there was a sense of compassion that I now had for girls everywhere who were afraid and made that choice. Also a sadness because now I look at my daughter and know that it is all worth it. I had a friend tell me her story of finding out she was pregnant. She was freaking out to take the test , didn't know what she would do or how she could do it and she said " once it gave me a positive, anything was possible. I could do anything, make it all work out"


Later that afternoon it was all confirmed, I was in fact miscarrying. I got off the phone with the midwife in tears and sat on my bed with my husband and cried. So did he. It was a bizarre, surreal feeling. To thing that my body was a beacon of life and now was this place of death for the moment. The 'glow' was gone. Feelings of sadness mixed with early labor type contractions ensued for the next few days as I watched my pregnant body morph back into its regular form and rid itself of whatever else remained. I kept myself busy, probably not resting as much as I should. Sitting with friends, talking it thru, letting myself be sad and angry. All my life I have been a great stuffer of emotion having to do with any sort of pain. I would clean, organize, cook, shop, read, music, go online, constantly go out to distract myself, drink . This time I said " No way." I was going to let myself feel pain and run to nothing but Jesus, even though my heart felt confused about Him at the moment. If I did shove this it would come out later. Shoving it into some corner would not make it go away, it would just cause long, drawn out emotional pain that would not just effect me but effect everyone around me somehow until it was all worked thru.

So it has been one week since the miscarraige began,
Today is Mothers day. I let myself enjoy Scarlett, but be sad as well.

With God- I am working thru this with Him, asking Him some tough questions I may not have dared to ask before. Trusting that He is good, faithful, the giver of life itself, and loves me enough to cry with me and work this thing out until the end. He didn't ' take my baby' or need to see how I acted under pressure. This breaks His heart as well.

I know that I will get pregnant again, that I will hold another new born in my arms and all will be well. I am just gonna let myself feel and heal. Also my heart has been filled with compassion for so many women around me. For friends that have miscarried multiple times, for still births, for so many things that only a womans heart will know.


Life is precious, and I feel it like I had never known that before.

-LG

Redeeming Memories

Over the past few years I have been discovering that the things that I have felt during difficult moments of my life aren't always true. That is easy to say right?

But when a memory comes flooding back to you and you feel emotions and feelings all over again just as fresh as the moment you were there, it all seems more real than the first time you experienced it.


So I have been on a journey of rewriting my history. Stepping outside of what I felt happened, looking at situations and asking God " what happened here? Where were you? What did I choose to believe instead of you, instead of love?"

I think of past experiences with guys. There are ways you see someone at 16,17,18 that come out of a different kind of search than I would be on now. I searched out of a 'broken, desperate, not liking myself to much at the time' kind of place. These people and situations wrote their stories in my heart.

Entering 'the work force' in an unsure, freaking out, pursuing my dreams( what I thought were my dreams) performing my heart out, running from real life kind of way. Then I would have said I am a responsible, hard working person who is in pursuit of a dream.
And all the people that came along with that time were seen thru those thoughts, those lenses.


Motherhood take 1 scared out of my mind, but told myself I wasn't. My identity had melted into what I could do and I couldn't believe that now I had to let this happen to myself. I was excited ( because this exact thing was one of my first true dreams I had as a little girl, to be a mom) but I was so far removed from that I resented it. A major tug of war that rolled into a year long battle with post-partum afterwards.


Each of these stick out the strongest right now. I have asked to Lord to how me which memories are really true. Where did fear, depression, self loathing, rejection come in and start lying, and where was he in the situation and what does He say about it.


I am not one for living in the past but I am ok with seeing thru " Jesus lenses" instead of what tried to weasel its way in and tell me I was a failure.


He wants me whole and complete and if I don't stop and take the time to see correctly what about future relationships? Future jobs? Future kids? Who will reap the harvest of the unhealthiness of my heart? OR who will reap the healthiness of my heart? How will generations after me be influenced by me choosing to take care of my heart?

I need to sing. It's where I feel most alive.

The end

Love is a many splendored thing.

Recently I've been having a lot of internal dialogue on deception. Really it's been truth shedding some light on some pretty ugly things that I have believed such as

" fear comes in the name of being responsible."

" Self-hatred comes in the name of fitness. "

There are ways lies appear to other people, their battles

Food comes into the name of comfort
Sex in the name of satisfaction
Looking together a sense of control
Self pity as a comforter
Work as identity

Are a few that I've heard.

Love. What comes in the name of love? I am on the quest for true love. True good qualities. None of this 'I love you and leave you, I love you but I yell at you sometimes, I love you. I am always kind of mad at you so I'm going to use it to control you.'

Every movie, song, life is ruled by love. Most of our conversations revolve around what we love. Our decisions major and minor, I believe, are motivated by what we love. The things that distress us the most, the things that make our heart feel betrayed ,are where love has gone wrong.


If we can't recognize good solid love and fill ourselves with that then what we fill ourselves with and what is going to come out is never going to be good. Nothing will ever truly satisfy the deepest desires of our hearts.
One thing that I have noticed about my life is when I don't know how to love right in an area I feel afraid. I get afraid of people their thoughts towards me, my thoughts towards them. I feel like I'm grasping at sand and the tighter I try to get control the tighter I hold on it runs away through my fingers.

So my question for God has been - What is real true love? Can you show me what I am believing about it that is wrong? Can you show me what I am believing about your heart that is untrue- since you said I AM love, I need to know, because I think I have some parts wrong.

There is a difference between reading it and experiencing something you thought was it and really KNOWING it from the inside out.


Today when taking some time to be quiet here is what I felt God say to me about how he loves me.

- first I went back to 1 Corinthians 13 and read what it says about the characteristics of love. If I believe that the bible is true then this is a good place to start.

Then I went over different characteristics of love with God.


Patient- I am patient with you. I know what you are dealing with and I've got your hand all the way thru it but I am also standing at the end cheering you on and saying " I am here, I see how it ends, keep going! " I know exactly how long it will take to work thru and I'm not upset about it.

Kind- I am happy with you, looking for ways to be kind to love on you and be kind to you. Your wants are k own to me as much as your needs and I want to be sweet to you.

not proud or self seeking - I know who I am but I am not proud. I seek your good, our good together at all
times.

Right and Truth prevail - I love justice. I love to prevail. I love to come thru, it's my favorite

It endures everything without weakening- there a no weak spots in my love no matter WHAT, it doesn't waver.
High points, low points, doesn't matter.

never fades - as strong as the moment I saved you, every minute.

True affection- I want to show you true affection. What does true love really look like- Holy, joy filled lov.

Holy doesn't mean unhappy or solemn.




The phrase that stuck out the most to me was " as strong as the moment I saved you, every minute" I have such a hard comprehending that type of perfection because I only can only truly see my heart. It makes me think of my wedding day when I said " I do" I meant it, and I felt a great sense of love empowering my words, but do I feel that feeling every moment? I know my love for Jon has grown and deepened over time, but do I feel like a steady faithful triumphant strong loving wife every moment? No.


I remember reading where Peter said to Jesus " Lord where else could we go? Only you have the words of life"

And so this is what I know, my head doesn't always understand it, but my heart says " I know there's is no where else I can go except to continue to pursue the heart of God and let Him teach me on love"


-L

Reflection(s)

This month marked a year for us in a new city. The decision was not the easiest to make but we both knew it had to bed one. We heard Gods voice separately, together, publicly, privately, and said " who are we not to say yes?" I thought a bit about what I would do but really I thought about Scarlett and how this decision would change everything for her. One of the ways that God spoke to me about moving was thru the life of Abraham. He said to Him in Genesis " go for yourself ( for your own advantage ) Away from your country, from your relatives, from your fathers house to a land that I will show you " - v. 1 AMP Then he follows up with all these wonderful immeasurable blessings and goodness. But I wonder why he had to leave all he knew. After a year here I think I am starting to get the picture, I am starting to see why when the Lord wants to change you you have to get away from all that is comfortable, all that you always known, from the ways everything has always been done. To be with Him. To know that even when you were surrounded by all you knew really he was all you evr had. It made me get quiet and really think if what defines me. What was my identity. It couldn't be in my friends or family or reputation or the 'who I knew' or the ' where I work' And this is exactly what I needed. This is why that one little phrase that God spoke to Abraham " go for yourself,( for your own advantage) " has been on my mind for so long. I needed to know who I was really and who He was really. I had lots of ideas about who He was, and about who I was but it wasn't really working to well for me. I was a newly married, new mom, not working and drowning in diapers and laundry and sadness. I was grieving something but I wasn't sure what that was. I thought it was that I missed working, that my identity was lost, that " this is it? Really?" feeling. That wasn't it at all. I didn't trust God with my heart. I thought I knew who He was but somewhere I forgot that He is good, trustworthy, my fufillment, the one who meets my needs, the one who cared if the world is revolving around the sun and my heart in the same moment, that he loves me. Truly, this deep, specific, because He wants to love. I didn't notice how much I was doing it all on my own. Trying to love my husband and my baby And other people out of what felt like emptiness. What I have learned: that I can't really love well by myself. In Ephesians Paul prays for the church saying we need the eyes of our heart enlightened to the spirit of wisdom and revelation to understand the fullness of Gods love. And so I started asking " more Lord- more wisdom, more revelation" and I got it. I finally understood that I really couldn't just love, that I needed wisdom and revelation to understand how deep, how wide how high, how MUCH his love covers us When you say " I love you" to someone and they say it back, especially early in a relationship there is a Warm and floaty feeling that envelops you. You knw it's true and everything feels bright and hopeful and lovely. You feel better about yourself, skinnier, prettier, clothes look better, you love people more than you had been,. All because all of a sudden you realized something about love. This is His heart. He loves me, Hes always in a good mood, and He wants to tell me I'm pretty. He s someone I can trust. And none of this was anything I could talk myself into or work for or figure out. I just had to ask for wisdom amid revelation and wait for an answer, wa for my eyes to see and my ears to hear. This was just a small part of that "for your own advantage" stuff. -L (p

Quinoa mania.

So, quinoa freaked me out. I couldn't bring myself to eat a grain that I thought was pronounced "Queen OH wahh" for so long. Like some japanese chopping motion.

Also people raved about the fiber content and things and I immediately was like " more gas? Not something I need in my life! "


But I took a step, and now I love it. It helps me feel full, without feeling bloated/ weighed down.

Today I added it to my salad.

Spinach, quinoa, chicken, apple, almond, cranberry salad with Newman's olive oil and vinegar

Result- amazing. I feel full and there was lots of color which always makes me feel healthier. ( unless it involves sprinkles or a push pop. )

-L

Can someone explain...

The mormon mommy blog revolution.

A bunch of wonderful blogs

Thedaybook.com
Dooce.com

Etc.

Mormon.

There's a ton out there. Is there something that ties these all together besides being apart of the LDS church?


Just asking
-L

Sweet potato... Noodles?

I have been buying things because they sound good at the time, entering the item in Pinterest and picking which recipe suits my mood.

This is just how I like to cook. Does it always work out? No. It didn't matter when it was just me, but now with a hubs and a toddler involved I have to not just always go on my whims.

I was at Whole foods and some some monstrous sweet potatoes calling my name and I said " helloooo" and grabbed them.

Today I remembered I had them and so the Pinterest searching began.

I came across 'sweet potato noodles' from ProgressivePioneer.com

I needed - 1 sweet potato, butter, sage, salt, pepper.

It called for fresh sage ( lets be honest- I don't really have it lying around) so I had McCormick, so that's what happened.

I browned a Tbsp of butter and a tsp of sage, then added tendrils of sweet potato that I just made with a potato peeler. They cooked down quite a bit.

After they had a ' al dente ' feel to them I removed it from the heat an added more sage, salt and pepper to taste. This all took a total of 10 minutes. It was delicious, wheat free, made me full, full of vitamins, and most importantly toddler approved.

I liked that it wasn't mushy which can happen with sweet potato fries.

I would like to use a mandolin sliced and knife next time to see if I can get a more linguine style noodle. The vegetable peeler gave me a more egg noodle consistency.

If you would like to try them I would suggest heading over to ProgressivePioneer.com and checking out the way she suggests cutting them.

I think this ones a keeper.

Sick.

A sick day? No. Those don't happen for a mom. But having my daughter be sweet and just lay with me and eat Chex mix and watch movies and cartoons all day was wonderful. It was not work today, it was just cute. Like she knew and was like " Don't worry Mommy, I got you. "

It's been amazing to me to watch her transform from a lump that did nothing into a little human personality. With a sense of humor and silliness that has impeccable timing and a willingness to notice and be kind and give a smile to people I didn't even see we're there.

About a week ago we were walking down our hallway to the car. She finds every everything, wether a new crack , a cigarette butt, a leaf, every 'O' in Welcome on doormats, and I keep having to prod her, lead her to the car. She is so easily distracted with an intense eye for detail.

I heard God whisper to my heart- " this is just like you. Noticing everything, telling me what's ' ockey' looking at everything around you instead of the path you're on, and I'm there gently leading you and loving on you the whole way. Continuously re routing you out of joy. It's fun to watch you learn and discover along the way "

Amazing how it happens everywhere.it meaning revelation and insight and words of love when I am most frustrated.


-L

first post.

I dicided to blog. For an outlet, becuase I feel like I have things to say, and because its come up repeatedly in convorsation.

" You should have a blog, I would read it"

has been said multiple times in the last few months. Since I believe that God speaks thru the people around us I said " OK OK, I'll do it "

So here it is.


I all of a sudden felt a ton of blog pressure.
Who would like me? Who would read it? My life? My opinions? The way I look at the world?

and then a bigger question- DO I even want to bear all of that? Can I chronicle myself in an honest way without making slight changes to look like I am the best version of myself?- 

So my thoughts on God, Being a wife and mom, hair, people, life will be here to who ever wants to see.


-L